


Theophobia

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dealing with Phobias, The Awkward Hug That Wasn't, Why Angel Friends Are Useful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-03-15 23:31:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3466043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's got his soul back, and called Castiel to trick the angel into telling him about the missing year and a half.  This is what happens afterwards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sam was trying to process everything Castiel had told him about his year and a half of soullessness - he'd been such a dick - without giving away how new it all was to him. The sound of Castiel getting ready to leave cut through the muddle in his brain, and he got to his feet. “Hey, Castiel? Before you go… it wasn’t because of awkwardness. I wish I could hug you, and it’s nothing to do with you. It’s just…” he paused, taking a deep breath and trying to figure out how to say this. “I spent a year and a half, god knows how long Cage time, with Michael and Lucifer having nothing better to do than take out their frustrations on me. I can’t… I don’t remember what they did to me, but whatever it was, it’s bad enough that the thought of letting an angel touch me for any reason is…” Sam couldn’t look at Castiel anymore, staring at the floor instead. “God, Cas, I really wish you didn’t trigger me, you deserve so much better from me after everything you’ve done for Dean.”

“Dean asked me to check to make sure Death had done what he said he would, Sam. He asked me to make sure your soul was in place and that it was truly yours and free. To do that required me to reach inside and touch it. Under the best of circumstances, it is an extremely painful experience; the state your soul is in, having it touched however gently I tried to must have been excruciating. I am sorry, Sam, and that may be why I set it off.” Castiel’s hand twitched at his side, which Sam noticed, but the angel didn’t reach out.

“Hey, if you hadn’t done it then, I’d be asking you to check now. Triggering my phobia and going through excruciating pain while awake? Not good.” He hesitated, then reached out and put a hand on Castiel’s arm.

“Sam?”

The smile was half-hearted, at best, but Sam had to make Cas understand. “Even if you’re still the only angel I ever wanna see again, we’re in the middle of a civil war, and I guess you don’t want me and Dean involved since you didn’t mention us helping you out, but Raphael might not see it that way. I can’t fight an angel if every time I get close to one I’m thinking of the Cage.”

“Desensitization? I see.” Sam thought Castiel sounded a little hurt, but when he continued, it was gone and Cas sounded perfectly normal. “I will help as much as I am able, of course, Sam. Do you want to be alone to think about what you learned from me, or may I stay with you for a bit?”

Sam blinked. “Sure, you can stay, but don’t you have a war to get to? You kinda made it sound like coming for anything less than a full-blown emergency didn’t really happen anymore, which, by the way, I get. Sorry about tricking you down here to help with Crowley and Meg.”

“It was efficient and got you what you needed. Without your soul, you couldn’t care about anything else,” Castiel said, pulling up a chair. “I’m more hurt by you not trusting me to tell you what happened without lying to me about what Bobby had already told you. Believe me, I understand the importance of not scratching your wall, better than most. I’ve touched your soul. I know the state it’s in. But I know you better than to think you would leave it alone without getting something. Hearing it from me is better than having it come out in nightmares or from Dean or Bobby. You love them, and what you did to me pales in comparison to what you did to them.”

Sam chuckled. “Hey, you’re family too, Cas. But you really are the best person to have told me about the last year, you’re an angel, you have that… detachment. You probably have the best separation between Soulless Me and Souled Me. Dean’s trying, now that I know there’s something to try about, but there are times he flinches, or he’ll say something weird. And god, no wonder Bobby can barely look at me, I tried to _kill_ him.”

“They will come to see the difference, Sam,” Castiel said calmly. “And if they do not, they love you enough to forgive you. I’m fairly certain Dean already has. As for the war… my lieutenants can manage without me for a while. After the fiasco with Meg and Crowley and Samuel, I told you and Dean that I honestly would rather be down here with you than in Heaven. Now that you are fully yourself again, that has become even more true.”

“Oh, come on, Cas,” Sam protested, turning a little red. “I know you don’t hate me anymore, but we weren’t exactly…” He put his hands to his head as a memory surfaced suddenly, flashes and snippets of conversation from his soulless reunion with the angel. Once his head cleared, he looked for Castiel, finding the angel on the other side of the room.

“Are you all right?” Sam nodded, and Castiel returned to his chair. “I wanted to reach out to you, but I caught myself and realized that it would make things worse,” he explained. “I went over there to lessen the temptation.”

Sam forced himself to reach out and squeeze Castiel’s hand. “Thanks, both for the desire to comfort me and for not trying. I know it’s Dean you have the profound bond with…” Castiel tilted his head. “That’s what that was, a memory slipped through. Sort of. It’s kind of all jumbled up, but I know you said something about you and Dean sharing a more profound bond. Which I knew, and apparently Soulless Me forgot?”

Castiel sighed. “While, on its own, true, it was not an appropriate answer to your question. You were upset that I had ignored your prayers but showed up the first time Dean called and asked if I liked him better. I showed up that time because of the staff, not because it was Dean who called, and I do not like him better in any case.”

“Wha…” Sam was so distracted he didn’t realize he was still holding Castiel’s hand, although it had been burning cold when he first reached out. “Course you do. You don’t have to lie to me, Cas, it’s okay. You’ve known him longer and he’s never killed you.”

“You’ve never killed me. Lucifer did.”

Sam shook his head. That wasn’t the point. “My body. My hand. I said yes.”

“Lucifer’s grace.” Castiel very hesitantly squeezed Sam’s hand, and Sam could feel the cold again. He didn’t let go, though. “And while it’s true that, because of my prior assignment as his guardian, Dean and I do share a more profound bond, that has nothing to do with who I like better. I never hated you, Sam. I wouldn’t say this in front of Dean, but when you are not on demon blood or without your soul, I find I prefer you.”

Sam waited for the punchline, or for Castiel to realize what he’d just said and take it back. Because he couldn’t imagine any way that Castiel actually meant it. “…Why?”

“Well, for one, when you want something from me, you ask for it rather than demanding it,” Castiel said. “I am a soldier and I’m accustomed to following orders, but it seems to me that your way is how things should be done between friends. Then, when I came in, before you noticed me you were disappointed, but not angry. Even though you didn’t remember the Civil War I am fighting, you didn’t act as though I should drop whatever I was doing, no matter how important, just to come see what you wanted. During the Apocalypse, when I was falling, nearly out of grace, you showed concern for my well-being instead of frustration that I was useless.”

Sam snorted. “As I recall, you saved my life. At least twice. Dean once. And then I seem to remember you hitting Michael with a holy fire Molotov to give me and Dean the chance we needed. Hardly useless, Cas.”

“No, but not nearly as useful as I had been before I burned out my grace,” Castiel pointed out. “And then, you and I have certain things in common. We both enjoy learning. If there is a way to avoid killing innocents, we both try to find it. The first time we met, you protested the smiting of the town even more than Dean. As you did against that rugaru, the one who hadn’t yet turned and was therefore not a monster yet. As you did against Jesse, when I could not. We both…” Castiel trailed off, and Sam was wondering if he’d find another similarity or not. “We both find Dean capable of being extremely irritating and yet couldn’t imagine being without him.”

Sam had to laugh at that one. “Cas? Do you know what happened with Dean and Lisa?”

Castiel shook his head. “I know he went to her after Stull, that he didn’t leave with you right away when he learned you were back, and that he didn’t end things with her until after the vampire incident. He told me when we were waiting for you to wake up from the beating that things were over, but he wouldn’t tell me anything more. I do know that not long before he was under a truth curse; perhaps he called to talk to her and she said something harsh that she didn’t wholly mean. You’d have to ask him or Lisa, though, so I doubt we’ll ever know.” He looked away. “I do know that while he had feelings for her and loved the boy, he was still deeply unhappy there. He was happier back out on the road with you, until he started realizing how profoundly wrong you were. I wish you had gone to him immediately; all involved would have been spared a good deal of pain.” He looked around the room. “Where is Dean, anyway?”

“Actually… San Francisco.” Sam grinned a little sheepishly. “Talking to a professor about dragons. I don’t suppose you know anything about how to kill them?”

Castiel looked a little startled. “Dragons have been extinct for eight hundred years. Are they back? I know this year has been… odd, monsters in places they shouldn’t be or ignoring the usual patterns.”

“What the hell’s going on, Cas?” Sam shook his head. “I mean, I know you’ve been busy with Heaven’s problems, but do you know anything about the monster weirdness?”

“No, I don’t,” Cas said. “Other than that it has been weird.”

They fell silent, still holding hands across the table. Suddenly Sam sat straight up. “Cas! Bobby… he made that deal with Crowley, but if Crowley’s dead…”

“Bobby’s soul is his own,” Cas reassured Sam with another gentle squeeze. This time, Sam didn’t even feel the cold burn. “I don’t know how, I was busy elsewhere, but I know you freed his soul. My understanding is that you and Dean flew to Scotland to retrieve his bones and offered an exchange of hostages – Bobby’s soul for Crowley’s bones.”

Sam relaxed back into the chair. “We got Dean on a plane? The only other times I’ve flown with him he was holding my hand so tight I thought he’d break it. Wonder what Soulless Me did about that, I can’t imagine he enjoyed it much.” He fell silent again, thinking. “Hey, Cas? Do you know of any particularly reputable books about angels? Research has always been my way of working through fear, and you’re running a war so I can’t just ask you to hang around and answer questions I haven’t even figured out yet.”

Castiel stood up, finally pulling his hand away from Sam. Sam’s first thought was that it was ironic that the first thing he felt at the separation was cold. Cas disappeared, reappearing quickly with three rather large volumes. “Here, I believe you will find these informative. Two are in English, that’s why it took me so long, finding appropriate translations. The third is Latin, translated from the original Enochian. When things have calmed down for me, would you be interested in learning Enochian?”

Sam lit up like a Christmas tree. “Of course! Thank you for all of this. Everything. And, hey, if there ever is anything Dean or I can do to help with your war… you know you just have to ask, right?”

“I know. I wish I could, but there’s not really much you can do aside from keeping an eye out for heavenly artifacts or angelic omens on Earth.” Cas set the books down and offered a hand to Sam, who took it for a warm handshake. “And now, I must go, one of my lieutenants is calling me. Keep a list of your questions, I will try to get back to you soon. It’s hard to say when I can come, but I will try to answer if you pray for me.”

“Of course,” Sam said. He started to move for a hug, but lost his nerve. He gave Cas an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Cas, you’ve been nothing but nice and I wish I could.”

“You will when you’re ready,” Castiel said, almost softly. “Don’t blame yourself for this. That you can bring yourself to touch me at all is a testament to your strength.” He disappeared then with a flutter of wings.

Sam’s research was done, he was just waiting for Dean to get back because Dean would kill him if he went into the sewers alone and unarmed. So he grabbed a fresh legal pad and the top book and settled in for a research session. The book was informative, if dry. Sam had read far worse for classes at Stanford, or research on the Apocalypse.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean talk about Sam's new knowledge of what happened.

“Cas. Friggin’ child,” Dean muttered when Sam told him that he knew what he’d done and how.

“Dean, I was gonna find out eventually, whether someone slipped or the wall cracked. Cas figured that since he’s the one I pulled the least terrible crap on, he should be the one to tell me enough to keep me from scratching the wall. One memory slipped past, sort of, but it wasn’t Hell and it wasn’t anything I need to fix, so I’m not going to pursue it. The headache was nasty enough that I don’t plan on deliberately chasing more. It was like those visions I used to get. Wish you’d been there, you’re not an angel.”

Dean stared at him. “What, you of all people have something against angels now? That applies to Cas, I mean?”

Sam shivered. He did not want to get into this with Dean, not right now, but he was done trying to hide things from his brother. “I may not be able to access the memories, Dean, but based on your time in Hell to time on Earth ratio, I’ve got nearly two centuries of being Lucifer and Michael’s cellmate trapped in my brain. Talking to Cas is no problem, but touch is… it burns cold. Remember how Lucifer said. I know it’s not real and Cas wouldn’t hurt me, but it’s there.”

“Lucky for you Cas isn’t exactly the most touchy-feely person ever,” Dean said with a snort. “Unless he’s pissed and throwing you around an alley, anyway.”

“Yeah, well…” Sam ran a hand through his hair. “When Cas showed up, he wanted to hug me, but I panicked and got a table between us. He understood once I explained, but I feel really bad about it.”

“Huh.” Dean’s face was a perfect mask of surprise. “Having trouble picturing Cas hugging anyone, but you’re a good choice for a first hug. Octopus.”

Sam couldn’t help the grin, or hide it. “Well, consider his other choices. You or Bobby. Not that on the rare occasion you’re actually willing to hug someone it’s not good, just it usually involves someone dying to get you there.”

Of course Dean wasn’t offended. “Whereas you are a girl who hugs for no reason.”

“There’s always a reason!” Sam protested. “Okay, sometimes the reason is because I want a hug, but there’s always a reason.”

“Just not Cas,” Dean pressed.

Sam sighed. “I want to hug Cas, I do. I just can’t yet because of Hell.” Sam clutched at his head again, another memory slipping through.

Dean was beside him in a flash, holding his shoulder, hands roaming over his face and arms. “Sammy? Sammy, you with me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m…” Sam scrubbed at his face. “Yeah, I’m here. I’m okay. God, I was a dick without my soul.”

“Huh?” Dean said, realizing then, “Another memory slipped through?”

“Yeah, I was remembering being smug about Hell being no big deal for me, and I came out fine even though it tortured you.” He shook his head. “No shit, I mean, he was downstairs what, a few days? And, well… you of all people don’t need reminding why Soulless Me wouldn’t remember Hell-torture.”

“Yeah,” Dean said hollowly. “So, these memories. This is twice. Any idea what’s triggering them?”

Searching his brain, Sam eventually had to shrug in defeat. “I don’t know. We were talking about Hell, and then I remembered talking about Hell. With Cas, I was saying something about you being more important to him, and I remembered that thing he said about your ‘profound bond.’”

Dean squeezed Sam’s shoulder. “Sammy, I’m pretty sure he just said that to shut you up, you were kinda being a dick to him. Don’t get me wrong, dude deserved it, but I don’t think he meant it.”

“Oh, he did, when I told Cas what I’d remembered he explained that he was your guardian so there’s that extra layer to the bond,” Sam said. “He just didn’t mean that he came for you because he likes you better.”

“Well, yeah, he didn’t come for me at all. He came for the Staff of Moses.” Dean looked hard at Sam, and Sam smiled reassuringly.

“It’s okay, Dean, really. Hell, there are days I’m still surprised the guy even likes me at all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been written since I posted the original chapter. I always meant to get back to this, and somehow 2 am when I have to be in school tomorrow for the first time in a week seems like the PERFECT time!


	3. Chapter 3

A few days later, Sam was curled up on his motel bed. He and Dean had decided to spend another night in town after fighting off the wraiths. Dean was out, Sam assumed at a bar getting drunk and finding a girl, so Sam had settled in with his angel books and his legal pad that was now covered with notes.

“Hey, geekboy,” Dean said, coming in with a brown paper bag. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey and a six-pack, holding them up to Sam in offering. Sam held out a hand for a beer, which Dean gave him before pouring himself a shot of whiskey. “What are you working on so hard?”

Sam cracked open the beer and took a swig. “Angel research. You know me. Cas got me these, and as books on angel lore go, they’ve been relatively light on obvious bullshit.” He huffed. “Doesn’t mean this one didn’t go on about the glowing halo that can’t be hidden, that will always identify an angel. If Cas has a halo, I’ve yet to see it.”

Dean laughed. “C’mon, you can’t just ask Cas about angels? He’d be pretty much bullshit-free, and if you asked nice, he might show you his halo. If he can without burning your eyes out.”

He couldn’t deny he was tempted to ask, but Sam shook his head. “He’s also running a war, he’s got better things to do than answer invasive and potentially incredibly rude questions.”

“Hello, Sam. Dean.” The gravelly voice from behind Sam was completely unexpected.

Sam nearly jumped off the bed, Cas’s timing was so spot on. “Cas? What’s going on?”

“Another of Heaven’s toys gone missing?” Dean asked sarcastically.

Cas’s head tilted as he looked between the brothers. “No. I have some time where my direct oversight is unnecessary. I thought I would come check on Sam and, if you weren’t busy or asleep, perhaps hang out with you.”

“You meaning me, or me and Sammy?” Dean asked.

“Whichever of you has the time and the interest,” Castiel said. “If I am intruding, I can go…”

Sam shook his head. “I think Dean was just about to turn on the TV, see if he could find anything good on?” Dean nodded. “If there’s nothing good I can set up my laptop and stream a movie or something.” He picked up his books and notes, clearing the bed enough so that there was room for Cas to sit with him.

Dean raised an eyebrow at Sam as Cas settled in, but he flicked on the TV and started channel surfing. “Hey, awesome, it’s Batman! Just starting, too. Cas, there’s beer and whiskey, help yourself if you want. Pizza should be here any minute, too.”

“The pizza man is coming?” Castiel said, and Sam raised a curious eyebrow when Dean burst into laughter. Castiel noticed, and Dean laughed even harder when he added, “I’m not supposed to talk about it.”

“Oh man, Sammy, I wish you could remember this one. Cas here apparently likes kissing demons, you shoulda seen him and Meg when she took on the… oh, shit, now you are going to remember it, aren’t you,” Dean said, laughter disappearing instantly to be replaced with worry. “Sorry, Sam.”

“No, it’s okay… but you see what I mean about something slipping?” Sam said, settling back on the bed with the books put away and only one notepad left out. As he got comfortable, he reached out and took Castiel’s hand, smiling gently when he barely felt the cold. Dean had just opened his mouth to ask when Sam stifled a scream and reached for his head, forgetting that he had Castiel’s hand.

The second Cas’s hand touched Sam’s forehead, Castiel pulled back and literally flew across the room. Dean shot him a look of confused anger as he went to Sam, hands flying from shoulder to arm to face and back. “C’mon, Sammy. You’re okay. You’re here, it’s just me and Cas, no one’s hurting you. No one’s gonna hurt you while we’re around.”

Sam calmed down, but he could tell this one had lasted a little longer. He also got visual on this one, not just audio. “Meg took on Hellhounds for us?” he asked wonderingly. “She wanted Crowley that bad, huh?”

“Yeah, one of her better moments,” Dean acknowledged. “You okay, Sammy?” Sam nodded, and Dean turned on Cas. “What the hell, dude.”

Castiel had come back to stand beside Sam’s bed, but stopped at Dean’s words. “Sam is uncomfortable being touched by angels. He recognizes that this would be a liability should Raphael send someone after the two of you, and since he knows me to be a friendly angel, he is using me to work on fixing it. When he’s already in distress is hardly the time to push boundaries, however, no matter what I would like to do.”

“It’s already getting better,” Sam jumped in with. “Between my research and the time and forcing my brain to override my body and say it’s all right to touch Cas, I already noticed a huge difference from last time.” He pulled away from Dean and went to get his laptop and the cord to hook it up to the TV. “Let’s start Batman from the beginning and watch better quality with no commercials, huh?”

The pizza came while Sam was setting up, and Dean paid for it and set it on the table. He piled two plates with slices and looked over to Castiel. “Want some?” It was a peace offering, which Castiel accepted.

Sam took his plate and settled in on his bed, Castiel on one side and Dean on the other. It was a tight fit, but when Cas tried to bring a chair over so as not to force Sam into closer proximity than he was comfortable with, Sam shook his head. “This is fine. I’ll let you know if it gets bad, I promise, but right now, there’s just enough of the cold burning to know that I’m pushing my comfort zone without breaking it.”

“As you say,” Castiel said. “If it gets to be too much, let me know.”

Sam nodded and slapped Dean’s shoulder. “Dean helps. I always am better with Dean beside me.” He looked at Dean, adding with a somewhat wry grin, “Sorry about the chick flick.”

When the movie ended, Sam no longer felt even a little cold from where Castiel was pressed up against him, even where he’d wrapped an arm around the angel to make things a little more comfortable. Dean looked over, noticing, and chuckled. “You realize that if I don’t tease the crap out of you for being a big girl with a big crush, they’ll revoke my big brother status, right?”

“Dean, it’s not…” Sam started, kicking his leg. “Let me up, I need to hit the head.” Dean slid out enough for Sam to get up.

 

As soon as the door closed behind Sam, Dean sat back down. “You really okay with this? With him being all over you and not meaning it?”

“I don’t have much of a choice,” Castiel said. “He is right, he does need this if he wants to survive an attack by Raphael. Please, don’t make this more uncomfortable for him than it has to be, I don’t think he realizes what he’s doing.”

“Look, no one worries more about Sammy than I do, but Cas, how far are you gonna let him push this? At some point, you need to draw a line before he hurts you too bad,” Dean said.

Cas shook his head. “You reminded me once that Sam went to Hell to save us. That I owe him a debt that can never be properly repaid. I can help him. And if there is some pain, there are also good parts. It is worth it.”

 

Sam hadn’t meant to listen in, but when he heard Dean’s question, he had to hear the answer. He remembered the hurt tone when Cas had realized what Sam needed. And yeah, okay, it was a shitty way to treat a friend, but did Cas really think that the threat of Raphael was the only, or even the main, reason Sam was doing this?

Before he could second-guess himself, Sam went back out. He grabbed Cas’s arm, hauling him off the bed and into a hug. The shock of the cold burn against him was worth it as he felt Castiel’s free arm come up around him. “You don’t owe me a damn thing, Cas. I appreciate what you’re doing for me, and it’s helping, but if I’m hurting you then you don’t have to do this.”

“It’s only fair; this must be triggering you,” Cas said, though he made no attempt to pull back. “It’s not truly painful, not like it is for you, I swear I am okay. If it helps you survive an attack…”

“Cas, stop. Yeah, I’d rather not die, but it’s not like Raphael’s likely to catch me away from Dean, and he’ll protect me with his life. I’m pushing my fears for you. So that I can treat you like the family member you are. The friend you deserve to be treated as.”

Castiel suddenly disappeared, and Sam looked confused. “Cas?”

Dean shook his head. “You’re kind of an idiot, Sammy. Look, I normally wouldn’t say anything, let you two figure your shit out on your own, but I can’t sit by and watch you do this to him. Dude’s in love with you, Sam, and you’re kinda putting him through hell.”

“What?” Sam shook his head. “You gotta be kidding me. Or… or misunderstanding something. There’s no way a freakin’ angel is in love with an abomination.”

Dean snorted. “You’re not the one who was there when he was crying because he’d been the one to convince the rest of us to let you try to overcome Lucifer, I’m talking full-out meltdown. I’m still not convinced he’s not the one who got your body out of Hell, he’s just too ashamed to admit he fucked it up to tell us, because I can’t imagine him leaving you there if there was a damn thing he could do about it.”

Sam had no idea what to say. “Dean… you can’t fuck with me on this. Seriously, if you’re even a little bit not sure, I need to know.”

“I’m not fucking with you, I’m as sure about this as I am about anything. Don’t fuck around with Cas.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Sam said. “I had no idea… you know what I’ve done, Dean, how could I have had a fucking clue that he’d be able to forgive that? You, yes, you’re human, and you’re my big brother and you and I have never been able to not forgive each other eventually. But an angel?” He shook his head. “Overlook it for the sake of friendship, and for you, I can believe. But the only time I could believe Cas could… the demon blood, when I was detoxing that second time, after Famine, the hallucinations…” Sam collapsed then, not able to stop the screaming ripping out of his throat. Dean was by his side in seconds, holding him, comforting him to the best of his ability.

“Hell,” Sam said, ten minutes later, when the shaking and the screaming and the pain had subsided enough that he could speak. “Hell memories broke through that time.”

“Dammit,” Dean swore. “Trigger?”

Sam huffed a laugh. “The goddamn demon blood hallucinations. Lucifer turned them up to eleven, made me believe Cas had come for me, that he loved me the way I’ve loved him for a while now, sometimes let me believe that Cas got me out. Just to yank it away from me and plunge me back into torment.”

“So… not fucking with Cas any more than you were fucking with yourself,” Dean said softly. “Sam, you gotta tell him.”

“Now? When I can’t… that hug was bad, Dean, it hurt so much. What the hell can I offer him?” Sam leaned up against the mattress, slowly thumping his head against it.

Dean coughed awkwardly. “Sam, I cannot believe I’m about to say this and the shock just might kill you, but there are people who manage love and romantic relationships without ever having sex involved. I’m betting _you_ could manage that. And if you do get enough better to take it physical, good for you, but you’ll figure something out if you don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this chapter inspired my fic Hallucinations. Just to give you some idea how long this has been sitting in my dropbox.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam looked up from his book at the flutter of wings. “Castiel!” He backed away, pinning his hands between his body and the wall. “I was… you disappeared…” He noticed Dean slipping out the door, throwing a significant look over his shoulder as he closed the door behind him.

“Someone has been killing angels in Raphael’s service, his most loyal soldiers,” Cas said. “My second-in-command called an emergency signal to inform me. I apologize for leaving so suddenly, but it was necessary.” He stayed where he was as he examined Sam. “Did you set yourself back, earlier, forcing things too far too fast?”

“I… maybe, I don’t know yet, but we need to clear up some things before trying again,” Sam said. He swallowed hard, trying to figure out how to talk about this without triggering more memories or ratting out Dean. “Earlier, while you were gone, there was another crack in my wall. A big one, this time, letting out memories of being in the Cage. Dean tells me I was out for ten minutes; it felt more like ten weeks to me.”

Cas looked stricken. “I am sorry I wasn’t here, though I don’t know what I could have done for you.”

Sam grinned, a dimple flashing as he tried not to laugh. “That’s not what I meant. I was remembering the way Lucifer used my memories of you, my feelings for you, to torture me. He thought it was hilarious, me thinking you might actually care enough about me – even if it was just for Dean’s sake – that you’d come into the Cage to get me. See, I…” Sam noticed the look on Castiel’s face, and wondered if Dean wasn’t right about how his body had gotten out. “The first time I heard your name, it was learning that you had given me back my brother. Then Dean told me that you claimed to be an angel, and I’d believed so hard for so long in the angels Pastor Jim taught me about… and then I actually met you. It… didn’t exactly go well.”

“It went better than you think,” Castiel said quietly. “You were right then. The plan to smite the town was not just. I had faith that our true orders, to follow Dean’s lead, would turn out to be just, or I’m not sure I could have ever looked you in the eye again.”

Sam blinked. "From my perspective, the only way it could have gone worse is for you or Uriel to have smited me. Smote me? Smitten me? …Whatever. Nobody could blame you for writing me off, especially after I raised Lucifer. It’s the damnedest way to realize something like this, but when you carved that sigil into my ribs… I knew. I was still reeling from Zachariah’s torture, you’d inflicted some of the worst pain of my life, and all I could think about was that you had saved me. You were continuing to save me, giving me a chance to escape the angels, when anyone in their right mind would have thrown me to Zachariah, or Lucifer, or whoever. And I get that it was to protect Dean, to keep me from saying yes, but that didn’t matter. I loved you for it. That whole year, everything you did for Dean, for Team Free Will, for me… I just kept falling harder. You stood up to Lucifer for me. You threatened Anna for me. You blew away the last remnants of your grace to give us a chance to rescue our brother from what was obviously a trap for Dean, one you didn’t even believe he’d make it out of. How could I not love you?”

“And then, the first time I see you after I come back from Hell… I was planning to use you to find out what Dean and Bobby wouldn’t tell me. I rejected you, and I didn’t even realize why until you were about to leave thinking I didn’t… I didn’t care enough about you to give you a goddamn hug. And then I end up using you again. Screw Raphael, I need to get past this for you. So I can stop being the world’s shittiest friend. Over and over you’ve given me so much more than I deserve, and it seems like I keep throwing it back in your face.” He stepped away from the wall. “If you’ll let me, I want to keep working on getting better, to be able to touch you. But I need you to know that I mean it, that when I touch you, it’s about you. Not your grace or trying to survive a hypothetical attack or anything, you.”

Castiel came over, standing in front of Sam and staring at him intently. Sam made himself hold still, not reach out to the angel, just meet the intense blue gaze with his own eyes and let Castiel hold it as long as he needed. “You don’t know what I’ve become,” he said, voice cracking as he turned away from Sam. “I’ve been lying to you and Dean for months now. You won’t… you can’t forgive me, and I can’t ask for it. And I don’t know how to stop, how to get out from the hole I’ve dug for myself.”

Sam’s hands were almost on Cas’s arms to turn the angel back around before he caught himself. “Remember when I told you Dean and I were here to help you, if there was anything we could do for you? It sounds like you need someone to talk to, someone who might be able to give you some advice about how to fix it. Talk to me, Cas, what’s going on?”

Cas didn't answer for a long time, but Sam was patient. “When I returned to Heaven… it was chaos. God was long gone, Michael was gone, the angels were leaderless and confused. As the only remaining archangel, it seemed natural enough when Raphael stepped up and announced he would be taking over. But then… some of the angels refused to accept him. He knew it was my fault, my example, that was leading angels to think for themselves. So Raphael called me, and demanded that I publicly submit to him. For the sake of harmony in Heaven, I would have done it, except that he let slip his plans for afterward. He intended to restart the Apocalypse."

"I had my grace back, I was a full angel again, but I could still feel as I had when I was human or nearly human. I had watched the man I love say yes to Lucifer, and jump into the Cage, to stop the Apocalypse the first time. I couldn’t allow your sacrifice to be dishonored like that. Everything we did, you and Dean and Bobby and me, Jo and Ellen’s sacrifice, I couldn’t let Raphael just throw that all away. This war in Heaven – I started it. I… I am stronger now than I was, when I was brought back it was as a Seraph. But I am still no match for an archangel. I need more power, some sort of edge, if I am to have any chance of defeating Raphael.”

“I went to see Dean, but then… I saw Dean. He was unhappy, but he was out, and free, and very nearly at peace. How could I ask him to get involved in this? How could I destroy what little good he had left, tell him that the price he had paid didn’t buy him what it was supposed to? I couldn’t do that to him. I should have, but I couldn’t. And then… Crowley came to me. He had a business proposition for me. Purgatory. If we could find it, we could split the souls from Purgatory between us. Souls provide power, and with the power of half the souls of Purgatory, I could defeat Raphael easily. And to show his good faith, he was willing to lend me souls from Hell, so that I could survive while we searched. I should have known better than to take the deal. Working with demons… and then, worse, lying to you and Dean. Letting you believe I had no idea what Crowley was up to, that I knew nothing about the search for Purgatory… letting you and Dean believe that I killed Crowley. He’s alive and well, still searching with your grandfather and the few remaining Campbells.”

“Crowley wanted to use you and Dean to hunt alphas all along. I refused; one of the conditions of our partnership is that Winchesters are off-limits to demons. So Crowley brought back your grandfather instead. For me, it was a… useful distraction.” Castiel finally made himself turn back to look at Sam. “I’m sure Dean has wondered if I was the one who raised you and brought you back wrong. I beg of you to believe me, I didn’t do it on purpose. I know your soul was with me as I approached the boundary of the Cage, Sam. I don’t know how, but clearly I lost it somewhere between leaving the Cage and landing in Cicero, taking you to Dean and Lisa. When you walked away instead of going to the door, I knew something had gone horribly wrong, but I didn’t know what until Dean called me after the vampire incident.”

Sam stared in shock. This was a lot worse than he’d expected to hear, though not as bad as Castiel seemed to think. “Wow. This… huh. It’s gonna take some time to wrap my head around this, but Castiel, if there is anybody on this planet who can understand, it’s me. It’s a lot like a few years back, when I was with Ruby and drinking the blood. I think all of us can agree that stopping Raphael and keeping him from restarting the Apocalypse needs to happen, just like we all agreed that Lilith needed to die. I needed more power to go after Lilith; you need more power to go after Raphael. And we both turned to demons, because there wasn’t anyone else we felt we could turn to. I don’t think you’re doing the right thing any more than you thought I was, and I think that you know it, just as much as I knew I was wrong but couldn’t back down because of pride.”

Castiel nodded, so Sam took a deep breath. He held out a hand to Cas. “But I refuse to believe you left my soul in Hell to try to honor the sacrifice I made. That just doesn’t make sense, Cas. The way you explained it, working with Crowley? I can see how you got there. But not bringing me back wrong. You need to tell Dean about this, but I get it.” As Cas stared at the hand, Sam sighed. “Cas, I still love you. I could have really used someone who was there for me, who knew what I was doing and still loved and supported me even if they disagreed. I still have a phobia to work around, but I want to be here for you. If you’ll let me. If you know it means something to me, touching you.”

Castiel reached out and took Sam's hand, wrapping his other hand over the top. "Sam Winchester. The boy with the demon blood." Sam flinched a little. "The only human I've ever known who could not only not be against me after what I've done, but forgive me and offer me his love and his support as well. Perhaps too long to fully replace my initial words, but hopefully enough to assure you that it's not how I think of you anymore." He looked down at their hands. "Take your recovery as slowly as you need to. I'm here for you no matter what."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in the middle of a season 6 rewatch. And it came out of two things: my profound annoyance at Dean* for the way he was treating Cas that season, and a random thought about the hug being avoided because, after however long Sam was down there... why *wouldn't* he have a phobia of angels? The title comes from a google search for what you'd actually call it, and this was the best answer I could find.
> 
> *Sam, too, but at least up to this point, Sam had a much better excuse for being a dick to Cas. He was a dick to everybody.


End file.
